Death Sports Unlimited, Inc.

You're the next generation of extremists. You go faster, higher, farther, and do it all while showing no fear. You jump from airplanes while your co-workers only jump to conclusions. They commonly describe you with such words as "crazy", "insane", and "has a death wish." Make it official - become a Death Sportsman and join an elite group of adventurers who have no limit. If you think you qualify for membership in this exclusive organization, print out and fill in our easy application below. Enroll as a member of Death Sports Unlimited today, before it's too late!

1. When you see a tall building, do you entertain thoughts of
a) climbing it with suction cups.
b) jumping from it with a parachute.
c) jumping from it with no parachute.

2. Your favorite speed is
a) 65 mph.
b) terminal velocity.
c) anything too fast to control.

3. Total number of days you have spent hospitalized for sports-related injuries:
a) less than 20.
b) 21-99
c) 100-299
d) the hospital is my mailing address.

4. When you were a child, did you enjoy
a) running in the house with scissors.
b) jumping from the roof with your Superman cape.
c) jumping into the polar bear exhibit at the zoo to sneak a ride.

5. It is important to maintain an attitude of "safety first" because
a) most accidents are preventable.
b) serious injury could result.
c) I don't understand the question.

6. Bungee jumping is perfectly acceptable when using
a) 15 mm thick military shock cord.
b) 8 mm thick nylon rope.
c) dental floss.

7. BASE jumping is unacceptable because
a) the parachute may not open.
b) there is a danger of hitting the structure.
c) only sissies jump with parachutes.

8. The bones in the human body are
a) a vital support structure.
b) items that will last many years with care.
c) an annoying and breakable nuisance.

9. The essential barometer by which I measure my sporting attempts is
a) incredulous stares from onlookers.
b) incredulous gasps from the news media.
c) mournful looks from surviving family members.

10. Hang gliding
a) is an exciting, thrilling sport.
b) requires a thorough understanding of aerodynamics.
c) does not have a high enough fatality rate to merit my attention.

11. Most of my friends bought it when
a) their 'chute didn't open.
b) their grip slipped off the rock.
c) they froze to death while swimming naked from Alaska to Siberia.
d) there were unexplained difficulties with the catapult device.

12. Use of ropes, pitons and other safety equipment while rock climbing is
a) essential for proper protection.
b) the most sensible form of self-preservation.
c) unsportsmanlike and in poor taste.

13. Crash test dummies
a) provide valuable information on crash survivability.
b) provide engineers with valuable data to improve designs.
c) rob the economy of valuable jobs.

14. Extreme skiing could be considered
a) speeds of over 100 MPH.
b) vertical drops of over 50 feet.
c) loss of over 2 quarts of blood on impact.

15. Spontaneous human combustion
a) is an unproven concept.
b) is poorly understood.
c) sounds really fun.

Enclose a résumé describing your achievements (or spectacular failures) in your choice of event. Explain why you feel you are suitable material for membership. Be prepared to support your claims with tangible evidence. Include any severed body parts in a separate envelope.
 

I, the undersigned, certify that I have a total disregard for my own life and limb, and have no respect for those that do. I hold anyone in contempt who insists on "good judgement," as this is only an excuse to cover up lack of skill. I agree to uphold the highest standards of danger in all my sporting activities, and I adhere to the credo, "Don't tell me it's impossible, I'm doing it tomorrow morning!"
 
 

___________________________________________________________________________
Signature (or signature of duly appointed representative for applicants no longer able to hold a pen)

Be sure to enclose payment with your application. The annual membership fee is $45. If you're bothered by long-term commitments, try a lifetime membership for just $29.

Got a great DeathSport? Or had a normal sport suddenly turn into one? Mail eldon at deathsports.com to be included in our upcoming Hall of Flame.